So here I am in front of my screen trying to figure out how to write about Godliness when I totally just lost it on my son while we were leaving the food pantry where we were dropping off shoes we had collected. How in the world, can I think that I am anywhere near Christlikeness when I can’t even handle a 6-year-old, who is hungry, tired and just ready to go home?
The thing is, that as I sit with what happened and how I reacted to the sweet boy that the God of the universe has blessed me with, I feel a lot of shame. I am ashamed of the patience that I lacked in the moment, the rudeness that flew out of my mouth, and the way I made my son feel in the moment when I had the chance to slow down and be kind and understanding.
I can sit here and wallow in my mistake and how I feel like I’ve failed my kid and how I am probably shaping his heart to be fearful and only about pleasing me. And if I’m honest, I have spent most of the day doing this. I feel so defeated in my ability to show my kids the love that God has given me, to be an example to them of how to love those closest to you. And if I’m super honest, I feel like not only have I failed my kids but failed God too.
How in the world am I supposed to write about Godliness when just today I have been the complete opposite of that word and the opposite of what God has called me to be? But then I remember that God is not expecting perfection. He is also offering complete forgiveness and loving me through the good, the bad and the ugly parts. See, the thing I have to remind myself on a daily basis is that I can’t do anything to prove myself to God. Which also means that I can’t do anything to earn His love or lose His love. God was right there beside me in that parking lot, and my actions didn’t make Him love me any more or less. It just proves that as I try to live a life that is honoring to God that I am going to mess up and I’m going to screw up and not look so godly. But God knows my heart, and my life needs to be a daily surrender to lean not on myself but on God.
I struggle with the word Godliness because it seems so unattainable and that by just waking up in the morning I’ve already failed somehow. But as I have done some reading about the word, it is so much easier to wrap my brain around being devoted in all things, to the things of God. My prayer is that I will desire and pursue the heart of God in all things as I walk through my own journey of faith. That I am able to shine a light on the fact that Godliness is a journey and not a destination. A journey that God is holding my hand through and loving me through, whether I am yelling in a parking lot or not.